First Time
by LoonyLoopyLupin96
Summary: After the Department of Mysteries battle, Remus finds himself alone with Kingsley who attempts to comfort him. Their conversation leads to Remus thinking of a memory of which he and Sirius shared long ago... Slight Wolfstar, set mainly in Marauder era #memory. One shot.


"I…Thank you," the Minister for Magic added quietly, though seemingly distressed as he appraised the Order of the Phoenix.

The remaining Death Eaters had all but been taken to Azkaban, and so the Atrium was deserted once again.

Kingsley nodded to his superior boss, who then disapparated.

"I ought to go and see Mad Eye," Tonks said after a while. Her voice was faint; the pain, evident, and she knew she needed to get out of the room.

Again, Kingsley nodded - his eyes were on Remus.

"Remus..." he began carefully once the sound of Tonks' apparition faded.

"I'll…go to…the…" Remus tried. His attempts to sound controlled were feeble and unnecessary. As the remaining members of the Order disapparated, Kingsley found himself walking over to Remus' empty figure.

"I'm sorry," Kingsley added, standing directly before Remus.

Giving up all attempts at calmness, Remus, staring at the empty veil - though not really seeing, said, "He went..."

Swallowing, Kingsley nodded, "He was a brave soul, wh-"

"He was a fool," Remus said, a hollow smile on his face, "Always wanting to prove himself."

"That he did," Kingsley responded, though Remus barely heard him.

"But he broke his promise," Remus went on; the horrific smile drained from his features.

"His promise?" Kingsley asked him, whilst attempting to get Remus sat down - afraid and wary that he may fall to pieces at any time.

"We were going to go to Hogsmeade," Remus said - still looking at nothing in particular.

"But he's a-"

"He would have been a free man. Officially," Remus interrupted.

"Oh…" was all Kingsley could say, as understanding consumed him.

"He broke his promise… The first one ever," Remus carried on unnecessarily, "'There is always a first time,' he used to say," Remus continued, shaking his head. His eyes glazed over as he drifted back into a memory…

* * *

The Marauders left their Defence Against the Dark Arts third year examination. After having successfully passed the exam, Sirius was up for celebrating.

"Party in the common room," he called out, "Gryffindors only."

Remus forced a smile upon his face. No one had been in there with him, of course, and so he had no plans to inform anyone how much his boggart had fazed him.

His friends' bodies, lying against the floor. All three of them in a pile together. The room they were in wasn't clear, though Remus had no doubt as to it being the Shrieking Shack. He was forever terrified of hurting his friends...

"Come on, Moony," Sirius said, throwing his arm around Remus. James joined Remus' other side, with Peter trailing behind, "You know you'll have passed the exam, it's your best topic."

Feeling it would be silly to deny it, Remus nodded, "I know."

"So why so glum?" Sirius went on.

"It was just..." Remus paused, trying to look as though he was interested in the paintings they passed by.

"Just what?" Sirius prompted.

Deciding against it, Remus shook his head, "Nothing," his usual fake smile fell back into place, "I'm fine."

Sirius, being Remus' best friend, knew without a doubt that this wasn't the case. As he always did, he came up with a brief plan that would ensure he got to the bottom of Remus' worries.

"Are you going to celebrate with us?" James asked Remus and Peter, who eventually caught up.

Pleased for the change of subject, Remus nodded, "Not for ages, just a bite to eat, I suppose and then I'll have to go to bed and study for tomorrow."

Sirius smirked, rolling his eyes. James, on the other hand, laughed aloud.

"I'm serious," Remus said exasperated.

At this, Sirius also laughed, "I was under the impression that _I _was Sirius."

This time, Remus smile was a little more sincere, "You know what I mean."

They continued laughing and teasing one another until they reached their common room. Inside, the tables had already been decked out with bits to eat and drink.

"Who got hold of the Firewhiskey?" Sirius asked; the first thing he clapped eyes on.

"I did," answered a fourth year girl. Her eyes had been set on Sirius for a good part of their school time together.

"Thanks," he said, smiling over at her, unaware of the fact that she looked like she was about to faint with the recognition.

"Sit down, you two, James and I can get the drinks," Sirius said.

"No way," Remus said instantly, "I only want a-"

"Please Moony," Sirius said, attempting a look of puppy-dog eyes.

At this, Remus laughed and made his way over to the chairs by the fire.

Sirius and James returned a moment later carrying their drinks.

"So, how did you find the exam?" Peter asked Remus quietly as he accepted his drink.

"Bet he loved it," Sirius joked, "Been dreaming about it for months."

Remus flushed, "What?"

"The things you mutter in your sleep..." Sirius went on, rolling his eyes.

Remus grew uneasy. He could understand how Sirius could interpret his dreams into that which revolved around their Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, what with him being a 'foul creature' as was described in the book, but in reality, his dreams were close to that of his boggart. He repeatedly tried, 'Ridikulus' believing them to just be boggarts; the pile of his friends' bodies, but once he realised it was real, he awoke with a start.

"I'll be back shortly," Sirius said, taking his drink and heading over to a group of girls.

Remus watched him go in apparent fascination, as he sipped his drink subconsciously.

"Bleurgh," Remus spluttered, taking his eyes away from Sirius to assess his drink, "What is that?"

"Firewhiskey," James said, being careful not to spill his own drink as he laughed aloud, "Too much for you?"

But Remus didn't respond, as he knew James would not hear him. He had just spotted Lily getting her own drink, and left to go and see her without another word.

"Do you want a different drink?" Peter asked.

Remus, having vaguely forgotten Peter was there, shook his head. He had no intention of getting drunk, but the idea of having a drink so powerful he was unable to think...it intrigued him, "I'm fine with this," Remus said as he took another sip.

This time, he didn't spit it out, but swallowed it, creasing his eyes as he did so.

"I think I'll just go to bed," Peter said after a while. His mind was too preoccupied with their Potions exam the following day.

"Good night," Remus said, unaware that his words were not as level as usual. He found his eyes wandering across the room, scanning the crowd. Sirius was still stood entertaining the girls, and Remus was surprised to find a sharp pang in his chest.

Turning back, he put it down to the drink he had, and settled for taking a more careful sip. Once again, he found himself looking around the room.

"Looking for someone?" a voice said beside his ear. Jumping, Remus sloshed himself in his drink as he noted Sirius' being beside him.

"Oh, sorry," Sirius said, summoning a cloth and casually wiping Remus' clothing.

"I'm quite capable of doing it mys-" Remus began, but stopped because Sirius had somehow found his way around to sit upon Remus' knee.

"Remus, are you drunk?" Sirius asked him, ignoring the earlier comment.

"Drunk? I've only had," they both appraised his goblet, "A goblet of it."

Sirius raised his eyebrow, "Remus, even I rarely manage that much."

Feeling reckless, Remus found himself grinning, though there was still darkness in his eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what upset you in the exam, now?" Sirius asked quietly, still sitting upon Remus' knee.

"Nothing."

"Tell me the truth."

"I am."

"Remus."

Sirius was rarely stern, and so the newfound sternness shocked the partially tipsy Remus, who was careful not to cry. His emotions were a mess – also the fault of the drink.

"The boggart," Remus said quietly.

"What was it?" Sirius asked him. He reached out to take Remus' drink from him as he made to have another drink of it.

"I was drinking that," Remus whined. He was weak enough normally, but now he was unable to fend Sirius off as he took Remus' drink from him.

"You've had enough," Sirius responded in an almost brotherly way.

"It was you and James," Remus went on.

"I didn't expect you to drink this much," Sirius defended himself.

"No..." Remus shook his head.

"The boggart?" Sirius asked, and Remus simply nodded. "You're afraid of us?" Sirius asked him, surprised beyond words.

With a weak laugh, a tear rolled down Remus' cheek, "It isn't like that. You were both d- I hurt you."

Understanding leaked through Sirius' insides, and he found himself moving over to squash himself beside Remus in the chair.

"In the Shack," Remus went on – the drink urging him to talk.

"It will never happen, Rem," Sirius said softly.

"It might," Remus argued.

"It won't, Remus. It isn't you," Sirius went on, softer.

He was glad, of course, that he knew what was troubling Remus.

"It's in my dreams, too," Remus found himself saying.

Once again, Sirius' arm found its way around Remus, though this time it was his waist.

"You should have told me," Sirius said kindly.

"It's stupid," Remus muttered, shaking his head.

"You're never stupid," Sirius said, an edge of sternness in voice.

Remus shrugged, silent – deep in thought.

"There's something else on your mind," Sirius noted.

Remus, unsure if he could carry on, shook his head, "I'm going to go to bed."

"Tell me, Rem, please," Sirius said, not releasing a grip on Remus' shoulders.

"I can't," Remus said, pained.

"Why not?"

"Because it won't make a difference."

"A difference to what?" Sirius asked, trying to keep the confusion from his voice.

"I..."

"Tell me, and then you can go to bed and I won't complain about it," Sirius advised.

"You wouldn't complain anyway," Remus found himself saying, "You've got lots of girls' company here."

Sirius was silent for a moment, frowning.

Remus turned to look at him.

"You mean more to me than they ever will, Rem," he said seriously, lowering his gaze to Remus'.

"You mean it?"

"I do," Sirius confirmed.

With a short sigh, Remus made to stand up.

"Wait a second," Sirius halted.

"You said I could-"

Remus fell silent as Sirius' lips found his. Soft, like his heart.

"I haven't kissed anyone before," Remus said. It was as though he no longer had control over what he was saying.

"You've kissed your mother," Sirius said, grinning.

A faint pink lit up Remus' face, "I mean…like…someone my age. And certainly never a boy."

"There's always a first time. Now, come on – I'm taking you to your bed," Sirius said, his brotherly position back in place. The kiss, to him, appears to have meant little more than a drunken, comfort kiss.

But that night, Remus slept peacefully.

For the first, and the last time.

* * *

Sometime during his nostalgia, Remus had found a seat upon the cold granite steps; Kingsley beside him, with his arm around him in a comforting manner.

"I loved him," Remus clarified - his voice more sincere; possessed after his transfixion of the memory.

"He was like a brother to us all," Kingsley said quietly, unaware of Remus' thoughts.

"No, I mean, I loved him," Remus said, somewhat sharply.

Kingsley was quiet for a moment, weighing this up.

"He never knew," Kingsley noted, considering many things.

"Never," Remus agreed.

"And he never guessed?"

Remus shook his head, "I should have told him. I had a chance...It was the first time..." he finished.

A tear rolled down his cheek again, not unlike in the memory, though this time there was no Sirius to comfort him. No drink to take away the pain.

Nothing.


End file.
